...

So here i am again, feeling down in the dumps. With no one i feel like i can turn to. As always.

Shit, how i wish i could start life all over again. I would do so many things differently, i would BEHAVE so differently. Here i am, watching my uni life being wasted day by day. Why...am i so awkward? I wish i was like...everyone else. Happy. Carefree. Living life.

The Proposal

"So Margaret... marry me. Cause I'd like to date you."
"Trust me, you don't really want to be with me."
"I do."
"See, the thing is... there's a reason why I've been alone all this time. I'm comfortable that way."

I see Margaret when I look into my mirror.
I want my very own Andrew Paxton.
I'm lonely...

Cry

I'm depressed. I think i may be. I can't remember the last time i was happy, genuinely happy. I don't know what 'happiness' feels like anymore. How is it even supposed to feel like? I don't know, i just can't remember...

I'm a med student. I don't need to fill in some stupid questionaire to tell me i'm depressed. And what's worse is me feeling guilty for not feeling happy. I mean, i'm lucky. I know that. I'm probably one of the luckiest girl on earth. The world's best mother, the world's best k who loves me to death, who would do almost anything and everything they can for me, who supports me with anything any everything in life. So why the sad face, you ask? Fuck, i don't know. And that's what kills me. I simply just don't know! Where do i go from here?

I used to be happy. I was the joker. I was the one laughed at anything and everything, the one who made everyone else laugh. Well, i am and i still do. I just don't laugh along anymore. Now, i just "laugh". I "laugh", i "smile", i'm "happy". Life is "perfect".

This pain i feel inside is killing me. It's eating me away from the inside, i'm suffocating. I feel like screaming but i can't. I physically can't. And so here i am, reduced to this withdrawn person who has been sleepwalking through the last few years of life. Sleepwalking. Not wanting to meet people, not wanting to meet friends, not wanting to meet family, not wanting to leave the house.

I have no purpose in life. At least that's how i feel at the moment. What does my future hold for me? As i continue to sleepwalk down this path, where will i eventually find myself? Will i ever wake up? Will i be happy once again if/ when i do? I'm hoping 'yes'. Because living right now, like this, just feels like it's not worth the effort...